Faith in Hindsight

Stan origami

A five year old dies from meningitis

A young woman commits suicide within hours of being released from hospital

The blog of a young man suffering from severe depression

A young mother miscarries

Loss

Stress

Grief

Tragedy

Heartbreak

WHERE IS GOD?

THIS CARING,LOVING GOD?

Verses quoted by well-meaning but un-empathetic people

Become a weight round my neck

Adding to my misery and despair

I don’t see him Not even a glimmer

In the deep dark pit of

WHY?

It is only as I come out

Of the darkness of despair

That I begin to see

That God has not left me

And in hindsight

I see the provision

Growth

Change

Hope

Strength

For that deep dark chapter in my life

And my faith deepens

And I can say

GOD, YOU WERE THERE!

YOU ARE WITH ME!

YOU DO CARE!

Hindsight Gives me the strength

To hold on

When life gets tough

Bible verses only become real to me

As I live out the ups and downs of life

These are the verses I can hang onto

Strengthening my faith

AND I KNOW YOU ARE STILL GOD!

Carol Clack, 21st January 2015

Spend! Spend! Spend!

sales shopping

One minute everywhere, the next gone.
The shops adorned with decorations and full of seasonal song
Full of everything one must have for the perfect Christmas
Spend!
SPEND!
                    SPEND!
Black Friday
Manic Monday
Cyber Monday
Special offers
Spend!
SPEND!
                    SPEND!
Retailers desperate that we spend
And buy everything
From mince pies to turkey and all the trimmings
To tablets, kindles and complete entertainment systems
So that you need not miss the unmissable
To that furniture you must have before Christmas
Spend!
SPEND!
                   SPEND!
Retailers caught
Emptying stores of Christmas cheer
Before Christmas Day
So the Sales
Can begin
Spend!
SPEND!
                   SPEND!
As mince pies go out
Hot cross buns and chocolate eggs enter
For…..
EASTER!

by Carol Clack,
January 2015

How long, Lord?

waiting1
I have issues with this time of year. Advent is the few weeks leading up to Christmas. It is a season of waiting. I hate waiting! I like to be busy, I like to get things done and I like to be proactive. It’s a great way of pushing away uncomfortable feelings I don’t want to acknowledge. Busyness can fool me into believing I am the author of my own destiny, I am in control. Yet, I know this is a deception. In so many areas of life, I am at the mercy of others. Whether in a shop longing for the assistant to return and tell me they have that dress I’ve set my heart on in my size or in the car waiting for the vehicle in front to hurry up and turn right or hoping my on-line order arrives before Christmas, I can do nothing but wait and hope.

This brings me to the other difficulty I have with Advent, hope. Hope is precious but fragile. This year I’ve had hopes that have been disappointed. Hope for a position of responsibility so I could pursue a vision for an organisation I care passionately about, hope for healing from my depression which has returned despite years of hard work and wading through a vast reservoir of tears, hope that years of study and faithful service would lead to some kind of formal recognition in the church, as well as new opportunities for paid employment. The child in me is hurt and angry. She’s screaming, “It’s not fair!” I don’t understand why some appear to get rewarded while others don’t get what they hope and pray for. I am tormented by the question, ‘what have I done or failed to do that God should ignore my pleas and petitions?’ And I know for many, my sadness and frustration is nothing compared to their daily, demeaning, soul-destroying struggle just to survive.

So what difference does a baby born over 2000 years ago make? Despite all that I wish were otherwise, I am still astounded that the Creator of the Universe took on our flawed and frail humanity. He became flesh and blood, allowed himself to be formed in a womb and for uterine contractions to push him out into a world of dirt, poverty, social exclusion and religious segregation. God’s love is real and all-consuming to be so embodied in the person of Jesus Christ! And what hope his birth unleashed in all those who knew his true identity. His uncle, Zechariah, describes him as, “…a horn of salvation for us…to rescue us from the hand of our enemies and to enable us to serve him without fear.” (Luke 1:69&74) His mother Mary says of God, “He has performed mighty deeds with his arm; he has scattered those who are proud in their inmost thoughts. He has brought down rulers from their thrones but has lifted up the humble. He has filled the hungry with good things but has sent the rich away empty.” (Luke 1:51-53) But has He? Really?

If I’m honest, the answer is probably yes and no! While I find it easy to reel off my disappointments and look at all the injustices that persist in the world, I have to balance this out with all the good things that I’ve experienced this year. As I’ve chosen to let people into my grief and fear, friendships have become stronger and deeper. There have been times when I’ve actually felt held, in an emotional sense. Also, I’ve become more sure of who God has made me to be and that I’m investing time and energy in fulfilling Her ultimate purpose for my life. Surely these are gifts of truest value? I was looking for tangible expressions of affirmation like a job title and salary, yet been blessed with something unseen but so much more important! “So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what has been promised. For in just a little while, He who is coming will come and will not delay. But my righteous one live by faith…Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.” (Hebrews 10:35-11:1)

The end of the beginning

me in Ireland
Yesterday I graduated from CMS’s Pioneer Mission Leadership Training Course. For those of you not able to be there, here is what I said…

I want to begin with a load of thank yous. Firstly, my Mum and Dad. Thank you for the vision of the Kingdom you demonstrated and inspired me with from the off. Thank you to John Buckeridge and Jacky Bone from Surbiton Community Church. You saw something in me, in terms of leadership, that you thought was worth investing in. Thank you Richard James, you were the first to call me a pioneer. Thank you Colin Brice you kept me engaging in mission to spiritual seekers when everyone was doubting, including me! Thank you David, Daniel and Nathan. I love you so much. You have been amazingly patient and willingly carried the additional burden so I could do the mental and emotional work, study and mission has entailed. Thank you to those in my missional community for trusting me and journeying with me when I didn’t even know where we were going! And lastly, thank you Jonny for really listening and allowing me the privilege of shaping what’s evolved. You reflect back to me an image of myself I’m actually beginning to like!

Just before I started the course, I had a dream. I dreamt I needed to get to a cashpoint and in front of me was a path to the bank. The problem was, it was still under construction. There was a man sitting at the start, trowel in hand, cementing in loose paving stones. He turned to me and said, “It’s not finished, but you can still use it.” So when I handed in my last assignment, I sent Jonny a text which simply said, “It is finished!” It was Easter, so it seemed appropriate on a number of levels. Although, to be honest, I don’t think the pioneer training at CMS will ever be finished because there’ll always be new things to add, new challenges and opportunities to address. That’s the trouble with us pioneers, we’re never content with the way things are!

However, today is still a remarkable day on the road to completion. As I reflected on what I might say, the biblical passage that came to mind was John 21:2-6, “Simon Peter, Thomas (known as Didymus), Nathanael from Cana in Galilee, the sons of Zebedee, and two other disciples, were all together. Simon Peter spoke up. “I’m going fishing,” he said. “We’ll go with you,” they replied. So they went off and got into the boats; but that night they caught nothing. As dawn was breaking, Jesus stood beside the seashore, but the disciples didn’t know it was Jesus. “Children,” Jesus said to them, “haven’t you caught anything worth eating?” “No!” They replied. “Cast the net on the right side of the boat,” he said, “And you’ll find something.” So they cast the net; and now they couldn’t draw it in because of the weight of the fish.”

This is often quoted in relation to mission and for many of us students this is exactly what we’re engaged in, casting the net again in uncharted waters. However, I was thinking this is also true of the theological education that CMS has created. Training for leadership in Christian ministry has been done a certain way for a long time and yet Jesus says, “Cast the net on the right side of the boat and you’ll find something.” CMS has indeed found something – something good and something valuable. I hope I’ll be the first of many who’ll be equipped and moulded by the pioneer team at CMS, and that a heap of those will also go on to become CMS pioneers who’ll do their bit to renew the church in the UK.

But I want to make another couple of points about the benefits of our course from this passage. The new thing Jesus asked his disciples to do was not a departure from who they were, but a fulfillment. We strongly believe that mission which is authentic and Christ-centred will flow out of who God has made us to be. This course is as much about becoming more sure of our unique personhood, as learning to do mission and church differently.

Also, they didn’t do it alone. The disciples were caught in that place between grief and newness. They’d watched Jesus die in agony and shame on the cross. Their hopes and dreams for the future were destroyed, and while they’d had an encounter of the resurrected Lord, he’d told them to wait for empowerment from above before stepping out into the work he had for them. I’m an activist, I hate waiting. I’m a prophet and I hate the wilderness. Yet both are essential in order to begin to perceive God’s new reality. That doesn’t mean it isn’t intensely painful or lonely. It is. That’s why we need each other in this learning community. So we don’t lose heart in the liminal space between the end of false expectations and the birth of new previously unimaginable visions for the future.

To conclude then, the course has given me many things, greater confidence in the ministry God has gifted me for, as well as theoretical frameworks to hang my missional activity on, but what I am most grateful for are the friends and co-conspirators that have brought me comfort and encouragement as I’ve wrestled with my shadow self and my destiny. It is because of you that I am standing here today. It’s not just my achievement, it is truly our achievement.

The woman at the well

Today I did talk on John 4:1-30 for the Women’s World Day of Prayer. Here it is…

Thank you for inviting me to speak to you today.  I am a pioneer missionary with the Church Mission Society based in Kingston.  I run a project called ‘Sacred Space, Kingston’ and am employed by the YMCA London South West as their Spirituality Development Co-ordinator and work with them, as well as Kingston University, All Saints and Kingston URC, to engage with people who would describe themselves as ‘spiritual’ rather than religious or subscribing to any particular faith.    This is fast becoming the majority of people in the UK but I began my ministry 9 years ago when I felt God tell me to offer to pray with people at Kingston’s Green Fair.  I now train and lead teams around the country to do mission in mind, body, spirit type fairs and pagan festivals.

I love this story of Jesus’s encounter with the woman at the well.  Both of them are not meant to be there and as someone who likes to go where I’ve been advised not to, I feel intrigued about what will transpire and have a point of identification with them.  She should not be drawing water from the well in the heat of the day and Jesus should not be mixing with Samaritans, let alone an unaccompanied female.  Yet here they are and Jesus asks her for a drink.  She’s not intimidated enough to point out the problem with his request but, much like the well they are beside, his response seems intent on drawing her in deeper.  “If only you knew what God gives and who it is that is asking you for a drink, you would ask him, and he would give you living water.”  As the excellent Tom Wright points out in ‘John for Everyone’, the phrase ‘living water’ was regularly used in this culture to refer to running water, water in a stream or a river that’s more likely to be fresh and clean as opposed to standing around getting stagnant in a pool or puddle.  She now demonstrates her knowledge of the history of the place and it’s religious significance and comes back to Jesus with a challenge – surely you’re not saying you’re greater than our patriarch Jacob?  Jesus then gives her a hope, a vision.  Imagine what it would mean as a woman in those times, and indeed in many places in our world today, to never again be thirsty and to always have a ready supply of water on hand to meet your every need?  How much time and energy must have been expended going backwards and forwards heavily laden with water for the basic necessities of life?  Jesus seems to be proposing an end to all that!  This is enough for her, she might not fully understand but she wants it!

Then their conversation takes an unexpected turn, Jesus asks her to go and get her husband. Why does Jesus say that?  Especially when he knows the answer i.e. she doesn’t have a husband, she’s had 5 already and the man she’s currently living with she’s not married to!  I think a clue might be found later in the gospel of John, chapter 7, verses 37-39, “On the last day of the festival…Jesus stood up and shouted out, “If anybody’s thirsty, they should come to me and have a drink!  Anyone who believes in me will have rivers of living water flowing out of their heart, just like the Bible says!”  He said this about the Spirit, which people who believed in him were to receive.”  If we are to receive God’s Holy Spirit, it will impact every area of our lives including our relationships and domestic arrangements.  With Christ nothing is hidden, although I love the fact he doesn’t make her feel condemned but finds something positive to affirm and actually commends her for her honesty!  This means she’s not put off and continues to go toe to toe with him in the remaining dialogue, clearly impressed by this word of prophetic insight.  She next introduces the issue that divides her people from his – where should God be worshipped?  Again Jesus answers by going to a whole new, deeper level.  The real issue is not where but how – by the power of God’s Spirit – and who – it’s the Messiah that reveals the truth.  Suddenly it’s as if the light goes on, she gets it and she can’t wait to share it!  She rushes back to her community and is one of the first to share the good news of Christ such that others believe.

OK so what can this teach us about mission today?  Firstly, to be willing to go to where the people are even if that might offend and challenge.  Jesus opens himself to criticism by talking to this woman and yet she becomes the first evangelist.  He doesn’t invite her to come hear him next time he’s speaking at the synagogue or temple courts so why do we expect people to come to us in our churches?

Secondly, he’s creative.  He uses what’s there to initiate a conversation.  The water in the well is a fantastic symbol to use to talk about who he is and what he brings.  Also he is willing to make himself vulnerable and asks her to do something for him – give him a drink.

He relies upon the Holy Spirit.  I’ve lost count of the number of conversations I’ve had with spiritual seekers at fairs where I’ve said something that seemed to reveal an experience they’ve had or a need they want met which has had little to do with me but everything to do with God.

He listens and responds to what she says.  Mission is a dialogue and not a monologue.  That’s what makes it so exciting!  I never know exactly what is going to happen, who I will meet and what exactly I’m going to say but I do know that I will be as challenged and enriched by the experience as I hope those I encounter will.

Finally, she doesn’t count herself out!  Despite problems with the community, no doubt as a result of her dubious lifestyle as evidenced by her drawing water alone at midday, the Samaritan woman is not afraid to tell others.  Yet it is not forced or rehearsed but a natural outpouring of enthusiasm as a result of meeting Jesus.  The challenge it leaves us with is do we have such a dynamic relationship with Christ and are we sufficiently empowered and motivated by His Spirit to want to share it so it makes a significant difference to our community?

Our theme today is streams in the desert.  I want to end with an extract from Sunday’s Observer:

“Hala Shukrallah was elected leader of Egypt’s Dostour party last week,…she is the first woman – and first Christian – to lead a major Egyptian party. At a time when the 2011 uprising seems to have achieved little, her election is a reminder of the seismic social shifts the revolution unleashed. At least, that is how she sees it. “What we’re seeing here is that something truly on-the-ground is happening,” Shukrallah, 59, says of her election. “I think it’s a reflection of the changes in the people’s psyche since the 25 January [revolution that toppled Hosni Mubarak]. They do not really see these elements as significant – being a woman, being a Copt, or whatever. These elements are no longer significant in comparison to a much bigger thing that they are aspiring to.”

Women and Coptic Christians (who form around 10% of the otherwise Muslim population) have historically been largely marginalised from politics. But Shukrallah’s election hints that this may slowly be starting to change, partly thanks to a shift in national consciousness created by the 2011 revolution, which encouraged people to challenge social structures.

Here and there, you can find similar signs. In December, leftist physician Mona Mina became the first woman to be elected head of Egypt’s influential doctors’ syndicate, a group led for years by male conservative Islamists. In terms of women’s rights, Egypt’s new constitution is thought more progressive than any before.”

May these be lasting signs of hope for Egypt and her people.  We need to pray but also let the stories of amazing women in other parts of the world, as well as the example of the Samaritan woman, inspire us to do our part, with God’s help, to ensure streams of living water continue to flow wherever we are and there is need for peace, healing and transformation.

Unwelcome silence

I really respect people who love silence.  They go on retreat and spend days alone in quiet with just their own thoughts for company.  It is almost as if by stripping away all other noise, they become aware again of that intimate connection at the centre of the Universe which gently holds and sustains them.  Without the other distractions of life and relationship it is much easier to get back in touch with this infinite presence at the heart of everything.

I get that!  However, I was punished with silence.  “Go to your room and think very carefully about what you’ve done and don’t come out until you’re ready to apologise.”  Silence for me is about disconnection.  It’s the consequence of being bad.  I even had a boss who would give me the long, cold, silent treatment when I had made a mistake in my work.  I remember one morning being in a lift full of employees from other departments.  As he got in, he made a huge show of greeting everyone enthusiastically, accept me.  They all knew who he was and what my relationship was to him. It was utterly humiliating.  Even after this, it carried on.  He’d completely ignore me, turn his back when I came into a room and talk without any reference to my existence.  It went on for what seemed like weeks.  Eventually, I went into his office and begged him to shout at me so that he could get his displeasure with me out and, then hopefully, done with!

When I experience silence, I feel panic.  I have lost everything.  I am in free fall with nothing secure to reach out for.  The critical voice in my head recounts over and over, continuously all the evil I have ever committed, all the failings I’m deeply ashamed of.  “This is your own fault.  If you had not exposed yourself to scrutiny, you would not have been found out for the miserable wretch you are!”  I can’t get away from it.  I try to sleep and the voice just gets louder and more insistent.  I turn the radio on to drown it out.  I seek to distract my mind with a good book or compelling drama.  This goes on for days.  It is torture.  It feels like it will last forever and there will be no end to it.

But there is a cure.  It is re-connection.  It’s finding the strength and resolve to contradict that internal tyrant and resist the overwhelming urge to never let anyone see you in vulnerability again.  It’s being courageous enough to trust again despite the pain that will inevitably result.  It’s forgiving others for circumstances that, however inadvertently or unintentionally, contributed to your suffering.  It’s not hating yourself for breaking cover, revealing what’s precious in a potentially hostile environment and allowing it to be judged.  It’s choosing to believe it won’t be as bad as this next time.  It’s being willing to entertain the idea there will be a next time!

Silence is not a bad thing but it should carry a health warning.  It exposes what’s there.  And that’s necessary.  It can create space for healing.  But for some of us silence can be an unwelcome presence because what it reveals is our shame.

The best gift…

Currently in the church’s year we are celebrating Epiphany. The time when astrologers came looking for a king to worship because they had seen His star in the sky. After the visit of the poor and socially excluded shepherds, the next recorded guests to recognise the divinity of Jesus were spiritual seekers. And they brought gifts – gold for a king, incense for a god and Myrrh for sacrifice and death.

As I was researching using different colours for prayer and contemplation, I came across this beautiful stained glass window. It inspired me to write a poem and I offer it as my gift. I want to use it as an opportunity to say thank you, particularly to my friends at CMS who have given me the courage to be vulnerable as well as those in my missional community who love and accept me whatever I feel. For me you are the best gift this world has to offer. I look forward to learning and growing with you further in 2014.

“Do you enjoy being sad?”

No I hate it!
I would do almost anything,
Feel almost anything,
Confront almost anything,
Rather than be SAD!

I have pushed it away, sat on it,
turned it into frustration, aggression, anger.
Powerful emotions, active emotions,
The energy to right wrongs,
To take on the forces of hell!

I’m not a wuss! Oh what pretense.
Terrified! Afraid I’ll drown in the well of tears.
A bottomless pit.
Falling, flailing, swallowed by darkness.
There’s no end and no way out.

But now I have to make sadness my friend,
Let the tears surface,
Acknowledge the grief I feel deep in my soul,
Face the pain, share the wounds that weep and bleed.
For ‘healing of the heart is found in the company of friends’.

stained glass art by Claire Mulholland found at www.clairemulholland.com/Claire_Mulholland_Hidden_Lane_Gallery_C Continue reading

Here’s to happy endings


If there’s one time of year I dislike more than Christmas, it’s new year! I find it ludicrous that a change in the date can make everyone believe tomorrow will be different. The weather will still be cold and grey. We’re all still broke and fat after the excesses of the festive season and pay day is just as far away!

I should look back and be grateful for all the good things that happened over the last year. But my mind just goes blank and what springs to mind are the disappointments and struggles. The challenges yet to be overcome, the wholeness that continues to allude me.

I hear my mother’s voice in my head that I have nothing to be miserable about. I am mightily blessed and she is right! My heart goes out to all those who are facing 2014 without a precious loved one, the hope of new life or a fulfilling job, a full stomach or a roof over their heads. However, I can’t deny that I wish things were other than they are.

I guess that is a big part of what makes me who I am. Pioneers and prophets see the world as it could be and not how it is. Why else would I be motivated to inspire others to take risks and do church, mission and relationships differently? It’s just at the start of a new year, we never seem to have accomplished as much as I’d hoped and the size of the task ahead is as daunting and overwhelming as ever.

However, before I tip you over the edge and you’re tempted to join me in the pit of despair as we contemplate what’s before us, I came across some words that encouraged me. They seem so appropriate on the cusp of a new year and I wanted to share them because the reality is tomorrow will be much like today. And yet…

“The Author
By Whom the Happy Ending is possible.

We live in an ‘in-between’ time. The past behind us, the future in front of us as we straddle the gap between how things are and how things are meant to be. It’s a cosmic case of middle child syndrome. We’re familiar with the beginning and aware of the end, but somehow feel uncomfortable and even at times ignored in what we know as our present.

It can be dark living in the shadows of seemingly more important people and epochs. So dark that we question the Author and demand that He take responsibility for the world we’ve inherited. And, to our surprise, He agrees, and assumes both responsibility and remedy. Evil is His problem and He knows it. And for those of us with more questions than answers, this realisation begins to put us at ease because the path to The Happy Ending is lit by the Light Himself.” (page 35, …And we will become a happy ending by Joe Manafo)

So Happy New Year. Not because we have a new diary and haven’t had time to mess up yet, but because Christ is with us. We’re not alone and the Happy Ending is in His scarred and capable hands. A carpenter used to fashioning purpose and beauty out of unyielding blocks of wood. ‘Into your hands I commit my spirit,’ again.

Loving the world

Last night I had a dream. I was going to have a meeting at the offices of a well-known Evangelical Christian pressure group. However, when I arrived in reception, no-one was there to greet me and the reception area was deserted. I waited a little while and still no-one arrived. Then I decided to take matters into my own hands and in the absence of knowledge, walk in and go in search of the person I was meant to be seeing. I didn’t think this would be a problem as I had been there a number of times before, but as I passed desks I could tell from the black looks and disgruntled mumbling that this was not going down well. When I reached the woman with whom I had the appointment, she started berating me for my rudeness and lack of sensitivity for waltzing in unannounced and making my own way around the building. I felt really hurt and upset that I was being so roundly abused when I imagined I was coming to a place where I was trusted and welcome. I had brought flat bread to share and as I walked across a courtyard, making a hasty exit, I tore off pieces and threw it into the air to feed the birds. As I did this, I was shouting ‘you hate the world, you hate the world’.

I awoke with those words still ringing in my ears. I then began to reflect on whether this was indeed the problem with the church and potentially the cause for the lack of urgency in sharing the life-enhancing and relationship-healing power that can be experienced in Christ. Aren’t we constantly reminded that God so loved the world that He gave His only Son to die to save it, in the words of the most well-known and oft-quoted verse of the Bible, John 3:16?

But John says elsewhere not to love the world (1 John 2:15), but I think this is about not being seduced by worldly priorities. Love doesn’t ever mean we accept and collude with what is destructive and harmful in the object of our affection. Rather, it should be the motivating force which causes us to challenge and inspire our love to more faithfully reflect the beauty it was made to display. God’s response to every new aspect and development of Creation was to declare it good. So what would it mean to live as if we truly loved the world in the way God demonstrated through Jesus?

Well, becoming more intentional about minimising environmental damage, while investing in sustainable energy and bio-degradable waste products is a good place to start. But what about safeguarding and affirming the intangibles of our culture as well as the physical resources afforded by our planet? Let’s take one small, albeit controversial example, Hallowe’en. Every year I struggle with what to do when my children want to go out trick or treating like their friends. Being a Christian parent I feel I have to say no when potentially it is the one night of the year when we could meet and have a positive interaction with our neighbours! So in previous years we have sought to redeem Hallowe’en and done ‘treat or treat’. This has involved baking cakes and giving them away as a blessing rather than threatening others with something horrible if they don’t hand over sufficient candy loot!

However, in Scotland they have a tradition of ‘guising’ on Hallowe’en. Again children knock on the doors of people in their street, but they do this to sing them a song or recite a poem for which they receive a reward of some small goody. Done right this could be a way of reframing how children mark this ancient festival in a way that is consistent with our heritage, while at the same time acknowledging the influences American films and TV have on contemporary British culture. It could, in a small way, have the affect of challenging and unmasking what I think are the real evils in our midst – rampant individualism that keeps us isolated in our homes and chokes any hope of community and consumerist greed which promises fulfillment but always leaves us empty and dissatisfied. Then we would indeed be facilitating life-enhancing creativity and making possible healing-relationship by revealing a love that celebrates what is good but is not afraid to confront the demons that diminish and subvert the blessings God meant for us to share and enjoy.

Unholy three

Image

We are all made of three.
Body, mind, spirit –
Functioning together, making us whole.
I am comprised of three,
the child, the adult and the dog.
Distinct yet unbalanced,
An explosive combination?

There’s the willful child,
angry, determined, invariably in trouble.
I fear her being seen –
Uncontrollable, Unpredictable, Irrepressible,
Capable of wreaking havoc to the point of death!
Brutally I crush her,
Rarely allowing her voice to be heard.

I have a mature and capable adult,
With an overdeveloped sense of responsibility.
Wise, practical, “an old head on young shoulders”.
She observes, absorbs, holds it all in.
Reasoned, insightful, articulating logical solutions,
Repressing inconvenient feelings.
Showing only warmth and constancy to the unsteady or chaotic.

Now say hello to black dog.
He is the unwelcome presence I cannot shake.
Never far behind, ignored and uninvited.
He carries the sadness and the grief,
The disappointment of needs consistently unmet.
A reminder of the pain still to be faced,
The tears yet to be shed.

So how do these three become one?
Love and nurture the child,
Trust her and let her speak out.
Don’t allow the grown-up to dominate.
The rational, denying and shaming
the intuitive, emotional and creative.
Accept black dog, appreciate the burden he carries for you.

And what of that Mighty Other three in one?
The table I hide under, the wings that cover me,
the arms that hold and contain me?
I’m committed to your healing.
I trust in your knowledge, wisdom and care.
Not with a passive prayer or feeble love song of adoration
But with passion, resolve and strength.

I will find a way to love all three,
Value the depth and diversity they bring:
The empathy I share;
The vulnerability I risk;
The joy I’ll discover.
No unholy trinity after all!
Just an imperfect but wonder full reflection of the Ultimate, Great ‘I Am’.