This week I have put interactive prayer activities into the chapel at the YMCA in Surbiton on the theme of Harvest.  I will do this at the beginning of every month. So the next occasion I will be there at different points in the week offering to pray, give a Ruach card reading or do dream interpretation will be Monday 5th, Tuesday 6th and Wednesday 7th November .  Please either turn up between 12noon and 2pm or fill in a time on the sign up sheet.  The focus for the reflections will be remembrance.

On the weekend of my 6^th birthday we had a street party.  There were games and treats and a fancy dress parade.  I was ‘Little Bo Peep’ who’d fortunately lost her sheep!  I was convinced it was all for me.  However, it was actually to celebrate the Queen’s Silver Jubilee.  You can get away with it at six but for my 41^st birthday, when the Queen was marking her Diamond Jubilee, I knew who it was really all in aid of!

However, in the same way that as a child I was unaware of the broader context to the festivities I was enjoying, I wonder if we too have missed the wider implications of the concept of jubilee.  I was constantly reminded of a biblical understanding of this idea while doing Ruach card readings at the Mind, Body, Spirit Festival in Earls Court over the Bank Holiday weekend. As the Queen celebrated the anniversary of her coronation with river pageant, pop concert, parade and fly-past, people at the fair were choosing from a set of cards that included the number 50.  This number represents jubilee.  A God ordained season that ensured his people every 50 years wrote off any outstanding debts, released slaves and returned land that had been bought and sold to its original owner.  Leviticus, chapter 25, verse 10 says, “Consecrate the fiftieth year and proclaim liberty throughout the land to all its inhabitants.  It shall be a jubilee for you…” It was in effect going back to the default settings and restoring justice to the community.

While I am not a royalist, I recognise that the Queen took seriously the vow she made before God and has been faithful to live in accordance with that for the 60 years of her reign to date.  In our quick-fix, commitment phobic culture, that is definitely something to celebrate and hold up as worthy of admiration and emulation.  It was a shame that Prince Philip could not be at her side during some of the activities over the Jubilee weekend. I don’t think she would have been able to do this alone and imagine it must have been hard for him to humble himself and always play the supporting role.  But at the same time would a more appropriate way to mark the occasion have been with some act of restorative justice rather than yet more opportunities for the privileged to display their elevated status to an already celebrity obsessed public?

I think it’s great that people up and down the country were able to reclaim their streets and party with their neighbours.  But how many others were excluded because of poverty, poor health, lack of access to education and basic community services as well as being overwhelmed with hopelessness due to lack of work and a safe and clean environment in which to bring up their children?  The reality is the Queen rules over a divided and unequal nation.  While it is good to celebrate her loyalty and faithfulness in serving her country, who will question the role monarchy plays in a system that is intrinsically unfair?  It heaps rewards on those who already have too much and insists on taking even the little those at the bottom have to survive on.  A jubilee that seriously addresses these issues, is one I can participate in with a totally clear conscience.

An article that Sally Coleman put a link to on Facebook has got me thinking (http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/belief/2012/may/07/mind-body-spirit-dereformation-religion).  In it the writer, Linda Woodhead, asserts, “…the main features that have characterised religion in Britain since the Reformation of the 16^th century have given way.  For most people, religion has ceased to be a matter of belonging to a clerically led community, affirming unchanging dogma, participating in prescribed rituals, and holding conservative social attitudes.  It’s transformed into something else.” 

For many orthodox Christians this is depressing reading.  The statistics she quotes are even more alarming.  Church attendance halved between 1950 and 1980 and halved again between 1980 and 2005.  Only 6.3% of the UK population now regularly attend church according to Christian Research.   Belief in “a personal God” has declined from 57% to 26% between 1961 and 2000 (British Religion in Numbers).  While those refusing to identify with any religion, has increased from 31% in 1983 to 51% in 2009, according to British Social Attitudes.

So what should our response be?  Last night, I was pondering which bit of the Bible to study next and felt drawn to Ezekiel.  Here is what Eugene Petersen says in his introduction to this book in ‘The Message’, “When catastrophe struck….Ezekiel found himself living among a people of God who (astonishingly similar to us!) stubbornly refused to see what was right before their eyes (the denial crowd).  There were also some who were unwilling to see anything other than what was right before their eyes (the despair crowd).  But Ezekiel saw.  He saw what the people couldn’t or wouldn’t see…He showed them that, yes, there was catastrophe, but God was at work in the wreckage and rubble, sovereignly using the disaster to create a new people of God.”

We can choose then to ignore what is happening in our nation and resolutely cling on to our traditions and well-worn ways of doing.  Perhaps the hope is that God will bring revival.  He will pour out His Spirit and millions will return to church on a Sunday morning without much effort required on our part.  Alternatively, we can wring our hands and bemoan our lot as a persecuted minority who hark back to a golden age of Christendom.  But like Ezekiel, I can see a third way.  This is one of the great and infuriating things about pioneers, if you give them options, they will always go for one you hadn’t suggested!

Linda Woodhead goes on to say, “…real religion – which is to say every day, lived religion – is thriving and evolving…Religion has returned to the core business of sustaining everyday life, supporting relations with the living and the dead and managing misfortune.  That’s why angels, cathedrals, pilgrimages and retreats are all doing so well.  And why mind, body, spirit has taken over from theology in the bookshops.”  For me this is exciting and hopeful.  This is where God is at work in what we might consider to be the “wreckage and rubble” of our Christian heritage.  There is something real and honest and integrated about this spirituality which the church can embrace.  Instead of filling our buildings with those who have prayed a prayer of salvation and are trying to behave themselves so they get into heaven when they die we can refocus on making disciples and partnering with God to transform His world! 

The church has always reformed to make sense of Christ for the people it is reaching out to with His love and power.  So let’s creatively engage.  And when we see alternative spirituality, think opportunity rather than threat.  That is why I will be on the Dekhomai stand at the Mind, Body, Spirit Festival at Earls Court next week (www.mindbodyspirit.co.uk).  If you are there, drop by and say hello.  If not, please pray for us and if you would like to make a donation towards our work do get in touch.

I took my kids to see ‘Marvel Avengers Assemble’ at the cinema over the Bank Holiday weekend.  What struck me as the story unfolded was how all the superheroes despite having wonderful powers essential to save the earth, had flaws and weaknesses exploited by the villain to immobilise them with intense feelings of guilt and self doubt. 

I wonder how many of us live like this.  We have amazing insights, talents and gifts that would bless others immensely and enrich our communal life.  Yet we too have an enemy that wants to defeat us before we even try.  The voice in our head that tells us we are not good enough.  The inner critic who asks accusingly, ‘just who do you think you are?’  True heroism is not risking everything with the absence of such fears and possibility of failure.  It is acknowledging them and throwing oneself into the fray anyway!

One of my favourite passages in the Bible is, “continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his great purpose (Phil. 2:12-13).”  I like it because I firmly believe salvation is an on-going process and something we have to put effort into understanding and appropriating in order to live in its fullness.  I feel that this is what I am doing in studying theology and having counselling.  I am putting in the hard graft to work out my salvation both in renewing my mind and restoring my soul.  It is tough and challenging and often painful so that must be where the fear and trembling comes in!  But I am also convinced that through this God will do His part and fulfil His greater purpose in and through me.

Evidence of His presence with me as I journey towards healing and redemption is manifest as I come across similar things articulated in different places.  As well as seeing the Avenger film, I also watched Brene Brown’s follow-up to her ‘Power of Vulnerability’ TED talk.  In it she says, “Vulnerability is not weakness…it is the most accurate measurement of courage…Vulnerability is the birthplace of innovation, creativity and change.  To create is to make something that didn’t exist before.  There is nothing more vulnerable than that.”  I honestly think if we are going to be truly pioneering we have to embrace this.  We will fail but that does not make us failures!

Not only is vulnerability not weakness but, as Janet Davis insists in her book ‘My Own Worst Enemy’, shining is not pride and hiding is not humility.  The passage in Philippians goes on, “Do everything without complaining or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe, as you hold out the word of life (Phil. 2:13-16).”  We shine when we reveal the full beauty and worth of who God has made us to be.  We do not have to put others down or deny God glory to do this.  But it does require us to overcome our shame, risk vulnerability and be honest with ourselves and one another.  Brene tells us that the antidote to shame is empathy.  To help others shine, in addition to demonstrating courage that can be emulated, we must come alongside in the midst of the struggle and simply say, “me too”.  Can you imagine a world where every person was free and able to reveal the best of who they were?  Well now that truly would be the Kingdom come!

I went on retreat the weekend before last to Lindisfarne.  The weather was glorious – bright and sunny.  There was however, a freezing cold wind!  I have been thinking a lot lately about God being a shelter.  Psalm 31 begins, “In you, O Lord, I have taken refuge; let me never be put to shame; deliver me in your righteousness…be my rock of refuge, a strong fortress to save me.”  What was interesting as I stood looking out to sea with the full-force of the wind blowing in my face was that it didn’t take much for me to move slightly so that a building or wall took the worst of the buffeting I was experiencing.  It was amazing how warm and comfortable I could be with the sun on my face when sheltered from the wind.

This got me wondering how I can find shelter in the midst of the problems and stresses of everyday life.  God seemed to be saying that it is not necessary to run and hide completely but just to adjust my position slightly to get some respite for a while before once again embracing the tumult!  I was thinking about what comprises shelter for me.  The week before I had spent a couple of days with some friends I have known for 20 years.  I felt so comfortable to be with them.  They have been an important part of my life for so long and were so loving and affirming of me that it definitely felt like a time and a place to shelter. 

I think being in community is a place where I find refuge and the strength and courage to go again.  This weekend I was at a conference in Sheffield for those who seek to share Jesus with people interested in new age and pagan spirituality.  It was really encouraging to honestly speak about the joys and hurts such ministry brings with those who share my passion for bringing God’s love to spiritual seekers.  And I find shelter in my relationship with God.  As the psalmist says, it is the ultimate place of safety because there we find unconditional love and acceptance while being truly known without fear or shame.

The Pioneer Mission Leadership Training Course (http://pioneer.cms-uk.org/) has also become a place of shelter for me and as I reflected further, I began to think of Lindisfarne itself as a picture of what CMS is creating for those of us who are trying to imaginatively engage with culture so as to reveal God’s goodness in new, relevant and captivating ways.  It is a place of community for pioneers to be taught, resourced, encouraged, have their wounds dressed and be envisioned afresh for mission.  From here we are sent back to the mainland along the pilgrim’s way to live, love, serve and be agents of transformation.

However, while we need places of shelter, the temptation is we may become so comfortable that we set up home there.  There was also a picture of this on Holy Island – upturned boats on the seashore that had become permanent and fixed places of storage.  The danger is having been saved, healed and set free to be sent out to bring this to others and make disciples, we forget our purpose and settle down to sit out life in safety just waiting for Jesus to rescue us.  Perhaps this is what has happened to sections of the church in the UK. 

Agencies such as CMS bring a prophetic challenge that calls us back to lives of radical discipleship where, yes, we feel vulnerable and subject to the elements but also experience the excitement of adventure, the joy of creativity and the surprise of finding sources of love and beauty where you didn’t believe they were possible.  So by all means take time to shelter but whatever you do don’t stay there!

I love Easter and not just because of the chocolate!  It’s the ultimate story of hope.  We Brits love the tale of the underdog overcoming all the odds and triumphing having faced every possible adversity.  And Jesus’ betrayal, torture, humiliation and unjust execution followed by His miraculous resurrection from the dead, is as good as it gets in terms of snatching victory from the jaws of defeat!  But I think it resonates with us not just because it’s a great story but because it mirrors our experience of life. 

I have been reading some feminist theology and it has enriched my appreciation of Easter this year.  Ivone Gebara says in her book, ‘Out of the Depths’, “His cross does not stand alone; the surrounding community shouts “no” to this assassination, “no” to this crucifixion, “no” to the powers that kill… There are followers, men and women, who declare by their solidarity that unjust death does not have the last word… Crosses are always present, but different creative forms of redemption are present too.  The Spirit awakens in us this renewed possibility of salvation.  There are provisional escapes from our tentative lives. Hope is in our bones, walking along with our steps, breathing with our every breath.”

I really like this idea that weaved into the ordinariness of life are everyday crucifixions, juxtaposed with mundane resurrections.  What is even more thrilling is how God allows us the privilege of being the bearers of His light and hope in the world.  I had an experience of this last weekend.  I was at the United Reformed Church in Kingston doing Ruach card readings and hand massage.  It was a great day and I met lots of lovely people who were really blessed by God through what I was able to share with them.  But right at the end of my time I met a homeless guy called Steve.  He was very apprehensive of having his hands massaged but had been talked into it by an outreach worker based at the church. As he let me pour oil into his hands and gently massage it into his skin, he began to relax and to talk of the time before he was out on the streets.  It was a real blessing to listen to him and to touch him.  At the end of it, he said to me with tears in his eyes, “Usually the only physical contact I get is a kick or a punch. But this was nice.”  His daily life experience is one of crucifixion and yet for a moment the Kingdom broke in and some resurrection hope was revealed. It was a joy to be a carrier of that hope.

I came across a story recently in an e-book called ‘Unintended Consequences’ by Andrew Brims (http://andrewbrims.wordpress.com/2012/02/21/free-ebook-unintended-consequences/).  In this story the animals gather to decide how to conquer a neighbouring land.  As the lion is king and the hippo lazy, fox suggests sending the elephant because the earth shakes when he moves.  However, the owl makes a case for rabbit, “They’re quick and nimble and multiply, well…like rabbits!”  Despite rubbishing owl’s idea, they send both.  A year later fox reports back.  The elephants have caused a stir and they are in two families but there are rabbits everywhere and it’s been renamed ‘Rabbit-land’! 

In my experience Christians are often tempted or seduced by impressive, clever campaigns that promise much and have a big price tag. Yet Jesus talked of the good news infiltrating like yeast in dough.  So, this Easter as you sink your teeth into your chocolate bunny, maybe it’s worth reflecting on how you expect the Kingdom to come?  Is it with nationwide programmes and headline grabbing controversies, or one resurrection multiplying moment at a time? If it is changed hearts that transform societies, bunnies win every time!

There are lots of posters on billboards at the moment with the heading ‘Mirror Mirror’ promoting a forthcoming film release.  Presumably this relates in some way to the fairy tale ‘Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs’.  For those of you unfamiliar with the story, the wicked queen has a magic mirror that always tells the truth.  All is well while she looks into the mirror and is told that she is ‘the fairest one of all’.  But a day dawns when this is no longer the case and the mirror says her stepdaughter, Snow White, now has a beauty that surpasses her own.  Overcome with jealousy, the witch seeks to kill her rival so she can be restored to the top of the world’s most fair.  Although thwarted by the dwarves Snow White finds refuge with, she succumbs to the queen’s evil spell sufficiently to fall into a death-like slumber.  This can only be broken by the kiss of a handsome prince.  As luck would have it one happens to be passing!  She regains consciousness and they all live happily ever after.

I wonder what it would be like to have a mirror that always told the truth when you looked into it.  Yesterday we meditated on a reading from ‘Anam Cara Friendship’ by John O’Donohue.  In it were these words, “…it’s utterly fascinating to me that no human person ever sees their own face.  We look in mirrors and we have images, but we never see our own faces…A friend is a true mirror in which we begin to get some little glimpse of who we are.”  This is a beautiful picture and the closest we experience of a mirror like the one in ‘Snow White’.  However, it has also got me thinking of the relationships and experiences that distort the image we have of ourselves.  The negative comments we have had from parents and teachers, the rejection of friends and lovers, even the narrow theology we have been taught by leaders in the church.  Maybe the mirrors we look in are more like those at the end of the pier.  They make us look short and wide or stretched into pole.  They certainly don’t reveal to us the person we truly are, a beautiful and unique creation of a good, loving and relational God.

So how do we replace the distorted reflection of ourselves with the truth that real, healthy and loving friendships hold up to us?  In part, as I explored in my last post, it is about overcoming shame, embracing vulnerability and choosing to believe the best of who we are.  Easier said than done!  For us to receive the healing necessary to do this, we need to know how worthy we are to be loved.  This comes from God, because God is love.  The bible tells us that we are the apple of His eye.  I have never really understood what this means.  I learnt at the weekend it is the vision we see of ourselves reflected in the eye of the beholder.  As we look on the face of God and into His eyes, we see ourselves reflected back.  Positive human relationships are vital and life-enhancing but, I believe, can only be fully enjoyed once we have gazed upon our Creator and seen our image perfected in His sight.  And how does this happen?  Well, I guess, like all other relationships, with one risk at a time!  Unlike other relationships though, we are promised unwavering love and eternal devotion in return.  This is an ‘Anam Cara’, or soul friendship, worth giving life, heart and everything to.

Do you ever feel like God is really on your case about something?  Well that is how it has been for me this week.  Everywhere I go the issue of shame seems to be slapping me in the face. 

The dictionary definition of shame is, “a feeling of distress or humiliation caused by consciousness of guilt or folly of oneself or an associate”.  And it has caused me to look again at the Genesis account of how sin entered the world.  When Adam and Eve, living in perfect harmony and contentment in the Garden of Eden, eat of the fruit of the Tree of the Knowledge of good and evil, their eyes are opened.  God comes to seek them out and when confronted with their act of disobedience, Adam responds, “I was afraid because I was naked.”  Mike Higton in his book ‘Christian Doctrine’ says, Adam and Eve “…gain shame when they see their nakedness, and fear when they realise that God is in the garden and will see their nakedness.”  So what, from a biblical perspective, is shame?  He goes on to say, “It has something to do with seeing yourself as you imagine others see you – an internalised version of the external scrutiny you imagine yourself to be under.  And so it is indeed a form of knowledge, self knowledge…but it is knowledge without love (p. 266).”  The consequence of this new awareness is catastrophic.  As a result relationships at every level are forever ruptured and distorted: the relationship with God and human beings; relationships between men and women; the relationship between humanity and the rest of creation.

But how does shame cause this exactly?  To attempt an answer, I am indebted to my friend Karlie, who sent me a TED talk by Brene Brown entitled ‘The Power of Vulnerability’.   In it she says, “Shame is really easily understood as the fear of disconnection.  Is there something about me that if other people know or see means that I won’t be worthy of connection?”  Brown went on to discover that what separated those who yearned for connection but never felt they ever really found it and them that she describes as whole-hearted, able to make deep, real and meaningful connections, was that the latter had a sense that they were worthy to be in relationship.  They had the courage, in the true sense of the word’s original intent, to tell the story of who they were with their whole heart.  “They were willing to let go of who they thought they should be in order to be who they were… The other thing they had in common was they fully embraced vulnerability.  They believed that what made them vulnerable, made them beautiful.”  Adam and Eve suddenly knew they were vulnerable in their nakedness, but it was ugly and shameful and had to be covered up.

Today we cover our shame not just with clothes but with coping strategies that numb the negative emotions that vulnerability generates – fear, rejection, grief and disappointment.  We withdraw and cut ourselves off from the very longed-for relationships where safety and freedom to be ourselves might be experienced.  But didn’t Jesus die to remove our shame, heal our dis-ease and restore right relationships?  Is this only to be fulfilled at the end of time when He comes in glory to judge the living and the dead and put right the injustices of this present age?  I don’t want to wait and I don’t believe I have to!  But there is a cost.  It requires me overcoming my own shame and counting myself worthy of connection.  This takes true courage.  To reveal who I am with my whole heart and see it as beautiful.  To be honest, right now, I don’t know if I can be that brave.  So I join with the psalmist and ask God to, “Turn to me and be gracious to me,…Look upon my affliction and distress and take away all my sins…Guard my life and rescue me; let me not be put to shame, for I take refuge in you. ” (Psalm 25, verses 16-20).  In His goodness He replies, “Those who look to Him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame” (Psalm 34, verse 5).  And to this hope, I cling.

Last week I went to a conference and heard about the father heart of God.  It was inspirational and listed all the wonderful attributes that Dads bring which are necessary for the formation of mature and healthy adults.  The speaker then went on to outline the social ills associated with fatherlessness – anti-social behaviour caused by a lack of respect and adherence to commonly held boundaries, gang membership that provides role models and a sense of belonging, the drive to succeed as a means of receiving affirmation and approval particularly from authority figures and the sexualisation of the young as they seek to satisfy a need for unconditional love and affection.  This was followed by a time when one could be prayed for to receive a father’s heart of love.  I was unsure how to respond to this.  While I agreed with everything that was said and think too many children are growing up without a Dad and we are reaping the consequences of that as a society, I am a woman and will never be able to fulfil that role by virtue of my gender.

At the root of my dilemma, I think, was the fear that while a large section of the male population in the wider world seem to have abdicated their responsibility and it is right to highlight this, men inside the church might assert themselves even more strongly by way of compensation.  In my experience patriarchy is alive and well in most sections of the body of Christ, even in denominations or networks who think they have dealt with this issue.  Yes there are women leaders in churches and Christian organisations but is it proportionate and how many of them rise to the very top?  Is this because by virtue of being male you are a better leader or that positions of influence are determined by men?  Perhaps we are unconsciously clinging to a theology that lays more of the blame for temptation and sin on women, believes the appropriate and Christian response to injustice and oppression is submission and feels uncomfortable with ‘the helper’, who was created second, being an initiator of newness?

I realise I am exaggerating to make my point and accept that feminism has harmed women.  It can be argued, for example, that sexual liberation has done more to demean and enslave women than give them greater freedom.  However, I am so grateful that I have been able to develop my intellect and expand my thinking through the opportunity for education and have a fulfilling professional life because of access to employment, as well as being blessed and challenged through becoming a wife and mother.  I also acknowledge that I could not have experienced this without men supporting, encouraging and giving me the space and confidence to ‘have it all’.  

Genesis chapter 1 verse 27 says, “So God created humankind in his image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them.” And I believe we only begin to see God’s likeness when male and female are operating in a partnership that is mutually respectful and liberating.  This can be exhibited in marriage, but not exclusively.   Ideally it is demonstrated in every sphere of life, work and ministry.  It is true that Jesus taught us to address God as, ‘Our father in heaven…’  But this is a metaphor and every metaphor contains the tension between difference as well as similarity.  God is also described as a rock, being a fixed and firm foundation upon which to build one’s life, but that does not make Him exclusively rocklike in every other sense!  Equally then God is not exclusively father and there is imagery in both the Old and the New Testaments which reveal God as mother.  In Isaiah God says, “Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she as borne?  Though she may forget, I will not forget you.” And in Matthew 23 verse 37 Jesus declares, “O Jerusalem, Jerusalem, you who kill the prophets and stone those sent to you, how often have I longed to gather your children together as a hen gathers her chicks under her wings, but you were not willing.” 

I wonder if it is possible to recover the feminine traits of God while focusing on Him as Daddy.  We need to address the lack of fathers in our society and call men to fill this gap in relationships formed through community as well as biology, but I believe it is only when parented by men and women working together in love and unity that we see God’s true nature revealed.  Therefore, I affirm the unique role of father, but acknowledge that as mother, both to my own children and those whom God has entrusted me to nurture in my wider sphere of influence, I too wonderfully reflect and model the character and intention of God.

When you think of home what image comes into your mind?  Sitting curled up on a big comfy sofa, wrapped in a blanket with hands round a steaming mug of cocoa surrounded by family and friends in animated conversation maybe.  And what feelings does it evoke?  Being warm and comfortable, knowing that you are loved and accepted.  A place to feel safe and where it’s OK to be yourself.  We all seem to be made with a longing for home whether we have been fortunate enough to experience it or not.

I have been blessed to have been part of churches that have felt like home.  Places where I have been cared for by the community and been introduced to the unconditional love and acceptance of a heavenly father.  More recently, however, I have felt exiled from this expression of home because I began to see things differently and was unable to express what I was thinking and feeling so that the body I am a part of could understand.  It caused me much pain, frustration and disappointment.  But according to theologian Walter Brueggemann, it is only out of grief that newness comes.  By experiencing the loss of home and letting go of that old expression of what it means to belong, a fresh vision of what is possible can be born.

In the last month I have met a couple of very different church leaders who have both seen their ministry in the church to be two-fold – giving established churches with dwindling congregations “a good death” as well as encouraging fledging expressions of faith that are springing up in unexpected places as small bands of often hurt and disaffected Christians dare to dream again and experiment with what it means to come together in the name of Christ for the benefit of those whom they live among.  One of these ministers quoted the words of Jesus in John 12:24, “I tell you the truth unless a grain of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed.  But if it dies, it produces many seeds.”  This was the immediate future for the church in the UK as he saw it – death leading to resurrection.

But having gone through my own experience of exile and then re-creation by developing outreach to spiritual seekers and gathering a missional community to explore together what it means to create home for those a long way from the God who made them and yearns to be in relationship with them, I have recently received healing and reconciliation from the church that was home.  I took the risk of going again and in facing the potential for rejection found that God was revealing to others issues I had wrestled with.  Old friends welcomed me with open arms, leaders who did not understand my struggle sought my forgiveness and I was told how much I was loved and missed.  This does not mean that I can go back and fit the way I did before, but actually that’s OK.  I am coming to a new acceptance of who I am and doing the hard emotional work of learning what it is to be home with myself.

If church can truly equate to home, a place of security and honesty from which to adventure, the experience of pioneering might be very different.  But like the butterfly maybe it’s in the fight to emerge from the cocoon that the strength and determination to journey comes.  To skip the grief is to forfeit the newness.  I can testify that in having felt so far away, the homecoming is all the sweeter.