I have often felt that the questions I have about faith seem threatening to other Christians.  It is like their beliefs are a carefully constructed wall and by raising the inconsistencies between church and biblical models of discipleship and community, for example, or pushing the boundaries with my mission activities, I start to pull at a brick in their wall.  All of a sudden their faith doesn’t feel nearly so secure anymore and they reject what I do and say for fear that once one brick is removed or reshaped the whole edifice might come crashing down.

For those of us who are pioneers, however, the evidence would suggest, that in order for us to imagine something new, we have to go through a period of deconstruction.  A hard time when we have to re-examine our walls, and take down the bricks that are the certainties of our faith in order to create the space to build in new shapes and contexts.  This week I was reminded of an incident that beautifully illustrates this point.  My brother, when he was about 8, built the most amazing spaceship using every piece of Lego he possessed.  My Dad had just put up a shelf in the dining room, so he put the wonderful construction in pride of place on the new shelf so that everyone who visited could admire what my brother had created.  However, within minutes disaster struck!  The shelf fell down and the beautiful Lego creation was smashed beyond repair.  My poor brother was inconsolable.  But this tragedy meant that his building blocks ceased to be an ornament and could once again be used for the purpose they were made – to be built into increasingly diverse and innovative constructions.

I think this analogy could also be applied to studying theology.  Here to we look again at the bricks that make up our faith and allow our questions and the surprising answers from alternative experiences of Christ in different cultures responding to different pressures reshape what we believe and how we see the world.  Isn’t this what Jesus was trying to do for the Jews of 1^st Century Palestine?  John chapter 2, verse 18 says, “The Jews challenged Jesus: ‘What sign’, they asked, ‘can you show as authority for your action?’  ‘Destroy this temple’, Jesus replied, ‘and in 3 days I will rebuild it again.’  They said, ‘It has taken 46 years to build this temple.  Are you going to raise it after 3 days?’ But the temple he was speaking of was his body.”  Like us, the people of God had allowed their ideas to become solidified, contained and embodied in bricks and mortar.  Yet God is revealed in the person of Christ and our relationship with Him is handcrafted by our unique experiences of Him and His body, the church.

So, let’s think of what we believe not as ‘set in stone’ but as Lego bricks, robust and colourful made to be taken apart and rebuilt in new and interesting shapes.  These constructions don’t contain our experience of faith, enshrine it in a mausoleum, but reflect the creativity, diversity and flexibility of God Himself and the people and places He has made to love and enjoy.

When I was in the 6^th Form I was part of a really close foursome of friends.  They would often come round to mine and one friend, in particular nicknamed Dodds, used to give me a load of stick for having a record collection that consisted of just one album!  It was The Police’s Greatest Hits.  Despite having a Buddhist Dad, Dodds was very interested in my Christian faith and he started coming to church with me.  Being the school joker, he was incredibly well-liked and popular and he amazed everyone when having made a commitment to Christ he gave up smoking overnight without any cravings or relapses.  It was a fantastic testimony to the power of God to heal and set free.  Not long after though tragedy struck and he was killed in a car crash on holiday in Spain.  We were all devastated and I had the painful task of breaking the news to other friends and teachers.  My one consolation was that I knew he had a saving faith and I looked forward to a day when we would be reunited.

I was reminded of this afresh this week when I was asked to reflect on when it is I experience the spiritual in popular culture.  I was able to think of quite a few examples such as the natural history programme ‘Earthflight’ and songs like ‘You’ve got the love’ made popular by Florence and the Machine.  But I think I surprised my questioner but saying I also found watching ‘Strictly Coming Dancing’ a spiritual experience!  And this is where I go back to my friend, Dodds.  After he died, I was invited by his parents to choose something of his to remember him by.  Because of his teasing, I chose an album.  It was by Sting, the lead singer of The Police.  The song I like best from this record, ‘They Dance Alone’, tells of the silent protests by the mothers, wives and daughters of Argentina whose loved ones disappeared under the reign of Pinochet and his military Junta.  They campaign to find out what happened to their men folk and be able to mark where their bodies lie.   The song’s repeated refrain is, “one day we’ll dance on their graves, one day we’ll sing their freedom, one day we’ll laugh in our joy”.   They look forward to a day when they will celebrate the lives of their loved ones and they will dance.

I to look forward to a day when I will dance.  Dance again with the friend I lost.  Dance with my Saviour.  To celebrate with every fibre of my being at the wedding of Jesus and His church!  “Blessed are those who are invited to the wedding supper of the Lamb”, it says in Revelation 19 verse 9.  So whether I am moved to shake my booty by the exuberance of the Samba or the desire for intimacy in the closeness and tenderness of a waltz, ‘Strictly’ reminds me of the hope I have and reignites the desire to ensure no-one is excluded from the end of show party to end all parties!

One of the most depressing sights in the New Year is the queue at customer services as people wait patiently in line to return their unwanted Christmas gifts.  It always strikes me as sad that so many of us can’t wait for the shops to open to get cold hard cash for the presents we received that disappointed.  How many of them were chosen with thought and care only to be rejected, I wonder?  Yet I am just as likely to participate in this post Yuletide ritual as the next person.  This is despite having been taught by my father that it is not enough to get a gift, you actually have to receive it.  That means using it, wearing it, showing the person who gave that you enjoy the item they specifically chose for you.

This week I have been reminded that faith in God operates in much the same way.  He offers us the gift of Himself and we are free to accept it or say thanks but no thanks.  For Vincent Donovan, a Catholic evangelist to the Masai in Tanzania, it came as quite a shock when a community he had invested a year of instruction in politely but firmly refused this invitation (Christianity Rediscovered p. 107).  But like any relationship, love cannot be demanded or manufactured.  Revelation goes hand in hand with vulnerability and the risk of refusal.

However, to accept God is to believe in Him with our minds, trust in Him with our hearts and live a life that reflects His concerns with our actions.  This is not a one off transaction.  American theologian Steve Bevans says in his book ‘An Introduction to Theology in a Global Perspective’, “What the interplay between God’s offer of self in revelation and our acceptance of God and subsequent gift of ourselves in faith open up is the possibility of a life lived in God’s presence, a life that (requires) deeper reflection and prayer as we experience God’s presence and challenge in our lives (p. 31).” 

If this on-going relationship of faith is to be real and dynamic we will want to know more.  An essential aspect of our humanity is the need to understand.  To find out who we are and how this relates to the God we know personally.   About the truths we assent to.  Where have they come from and what relevance do they have as we go about our daily lives?  How do we express faith both individually and corporately and where is this located in the tradition?  There are further questions that arise out of the challenges of our lived experience.  What is the purpose of prayer?  Why don’t I always get the answers I want?  Why do good people suffer?  Does God care?  To what extent does He intervene in situations where we long to see change?  It is as we begin to engage with these questions that theology happens. 

Maybe I am just getting old and should get out more, but this seems exciting and stimulating to me!  Not at all what I thought it was.   So rather than taking back God’s gift of Himself as revealed in Christ for a refund or even packing Him away with the Christmas decorations until next year, I want to receive all that He has for me and be willing to offer all of myself in return.  If this means grappling with the questions that haunt me, then bring it on!  My prayer is that of St. Paul for the Ephesians, “I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ…may give (me) the spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that (I) may know Him better.  I pray also that the eyes of (my) heart may be enlightened in order that (I) may know the hope to which He has called (me), the riches of His glorious inheritance in the saints, and His incomparably great power for us who believe (1:17-19).”  If you said ‘Amen’, then I suggest you will be doing some theology too!

Ruach Card Training

Sacred Space, Kingston will be holding training in how to use Ruach cards at Mind, Body, Spirit events on Friday 2nd November (date and venue TBC).  The course will be from 10am-4pm and cost £60 per person which includes a set of cards and comprehensive manual.  To find out more visit the website www.ruachcards.com.  To book your place on the course, please e-mail Andrea at sacredspace.kingston@googlemail.com.

The greatest Christmas gift of all

In my last post I told you a bit about the relationship I have with a special friend who I’ve had the privilege of discipling over a number of years.  I have been blessed by her in so many ways but most especially by the others she has brought to me to experience the love, acceptance and healing she has found in Christ.  One of them has had a really difficult year and just six weeks ago admitted she was an alcoholic. 

It was a brave first step acknowledging just how broken and in need she was.  The first week of her journey to recovery she did amazingly well and did not touch a drink.  But on the Saturday night I got a text saying she was drunk and in trouble.  I tried to get back to her but got no reply.  All I could do was pray.  I felt so helpless and afraid for her and totally inadequate as to know what to do.  The next morning I cried out to God.  I told Him I did not know how to love her and support her through this.  I also thanked Him for protecting me.  These relationships have given me a new appreciation of how much I have been spared by always knowing God and having Him as a presence for good and restraint in my life.  I felt God answer me by saying that I did not have to feel the burden of care and responsibility.  In this instance it was my friend’s role.  The disciple was to become the discipler.  She had been through this and worse.  God would use and redeem her experience of abuse and addiction to help our friend and I was to support and encourage her in that.  It was a great relief but also another important lesson in discipleship.  Not only do we need to not get in the way of God but we also have to let go so that others can fulfil the role that He has called and equipped them to do.  So this is what we have done – my friend gives the love and help needed and I support her as she does this. 

It has worked well and our friend is now five weeks clean and sober.  She has also grown hugely in her faith.  A couple of weeks ago having experienced increased levels of occult activity in her house we held a small gathering to pray and bless her home.  Since then she has felt much happier and more secure in the house and says that the whole atmosphere is changed.  Last week when we met for bible study her neighbour was there and asked if we would pray for him.  Also her ex-boyfriend came round depressed one evening so we prayed and shared amazingly accurate words of knowledge that really blessed and encouraged him!  The thing that she most wanted for Christmas was her own bible.  On Christmas Eve I went round with her gifts.  She took one look at the present I held out to her and gasped, “Is this what I think it is?”  She excitedly ripped the paper from the copy of The Message I had given her.   As I left she said, “I am just so grateful that you have brought God into my life.”  That for me was the best Christmas gift to receive as well as to give!  I feel that this Christmas I can join with the words of Isaiah, “The people walking in darkness have seen a great light; on those living in the land of the shadow of death a light has dawned.”  How gracious God is to let us in on the joy of His salvation!

Simples

This week I am returning to my discipleship series.  Last Sunday I had a great time tagging along on a ReSource weekend.  There are 3 or 4 of these weekends a year organised by CMS and they give Christians the opportunity to visit a specific location and hear stories of mission and experience fresh expressions of church to inspire and inform their practice.  The next one I am hosting in Kingston in February and there are still places available.  To find out more, visit http://pioneer.cms-uk.org/resource.  This particular weekend the focus was on using art and creativity for culturally sensitive mission.  We visited moot in the City of London (http://www.moot.uk.net) and heard about the remarkable journey that has led to them becoming a new monastic community reaching out to the spiritually impoverished, both rich and poor, from a historic church opposite Mansion House tube.  It was a joy and a privilege to learn the lessons of their experience as well as share in their devotions at evening prayer.

In my remembrance day blog I talked about how I have been discipling a friend who came to Christ through Alpha but then fell through the net of church as the long and painful process of healing and transformation began.  In the early days God told me to ‘show her how to live’ and she stayed with us on and off as I sought to be faithful to that instruction.  However, after a year or two we came to a stage when this was clearly not enough anymore and she needed something more.  It was on another ReSource weekend this time in Sheffield that I felt God gave me the next step.  I was inspired by a woman called Amy who was working on an estate in the city.  She devised a strategy of mission that began with developing a relationship with someone who wanted to explore faith in Christ.  This person would then invite a couple of interested friends and with Amy’s help they would start what they called ‘simple church’.  This would involve them meeting regularly and studying the Bible.  Starting with one of the gospels, they would take a short passage and ask 4 questions – what does this say about God, what does it say about me, how should I respond and who do I tell?

I knew this model was what God wanted me to use and adapt for my friend.  The only problem was she was someone who lived a very chaotic life.  The thought of her doing anything every week seemed impossible!  Also we had the kind of relationship when I would not see her for months and then when there was a crisis we would meet every day as we worked issues through.  The ReSource weekend was at the end of November and for the next few months I only saw her for brief visits.  Then in February she called me and asked if she could come and stay.  It was terrible timing and I said no.  It transpired she had broken her foot and with a 3 month old baby in a split level studio flat there was no way she could manage at home.  So I picked her up with boyfriend and baby and got them settled on the ground floor of our house.  Despite the mess and disruption it was great spending some proper time with her again.  After a couple of days she said she had been meaning to ask me whether we could meet to study the Bible together every week.  She thought that was what God wanted her to do!  I was blown away and told her about my experience in Sheffield.  We agreed to begin.  The next week she had a friend who also wanted to study the Bible and a little while later another of her friends joined us. 

What has been amazing is we have managed to meet most weeks and I have seen all of them grow in faith in God as well as in the confidence to share what they understand of the Bible passage and to pray for one another.  Last week these wonderful women carried me.  They reached out to God on my behalf when I no longer had the hope or strength to do it for myself.  My friend had a scripture to encourage me.  God told her which book and the numbers of the chapter and verse.  1 Corinthians 12, v.12, “Your body has many parts – limbs, organs, cells…The way God designed our bodies is a model for understanding our lives together as a church: every part dependent on every other part…If one part hurts, every other part is involved in the hurt and in the healing.  If one part flourishes, every other part enters into the exuberance.”  This is what we were experiencing in microcosm.  So what can I teach you about discipleship?  That it is God who does the discipling.  The best we can do is not get in the way and let Him.  Simples!

This is not what I intended to write this week but it is what has been on my heart and mind.  Last weekend I was invited to contribute something at our church Christmas Fair.  As relations between myself and the church have been somewhat strained I took this as a positive step of affirmation of my ministry and went along.  There was the usual range of stalls and games and the church were raising money for a range of activities they have planned for the New Year.  I decided to give what I offered for free so as people were having refreshments I gave them a hand massage and listened as they talked.

I met some lovely people – a couple of stressed out mums trying to keep their small children entertained and three wonderful older ladies who were on a Christmas Fair ‘crawl’.  This was their third!  As I talked with each of them during their massage it became abundantly clear they had a real and living faith in Christ.  One lady was worried about her grandson losing his direction in life and it was a real privilege for me to be able to pray with her.  Another of the ladies really surprised me as it was obvious she had a deep and genuine love for God and yet she said she found church really difficult!  I wrongly assumed that it was just the younger generation who struggled with Sunday morning worship but she told me how she had to sit near the back and often was unable to stay until the end of the service.  The reason for this it transpired was because once in church she would start to cry and was then unable to stop!  This immediately struck a chord with me as this is my experience and was the primary reason I gave up on our Sunday morning meetings.  She put her reaction down to a mysterious work of the Holy Spirit and seemed to accept it as her strange gift.

The next conversation nearly broke my heart.  I met a very troubled lady who found it difficult to leave her flat because of serious OCD and an overwhelming fear of being attacked.  She had a baby die at Christmas and had never been able to come to terms with her loss.  She started to break down and reveal the huge well of pain she carried.  It was too much for her so I changed the subject and she was able to compose herself but I promised to pray for her all week, which I’ve done.

I have not been able to get these encounters out of my head.  None of the church members faithfully serving by helping staff a stall would have any idea about the lives of the people they were selling bric-a-brac to or encouraging to have a go at hook a duck!  I am not saying there is anything wrong with either of these activities but maybe even when you take the church out of the building you cannot take the building out of the church!  The walls are still very firmly making relationships with those outside near impossible.  This is one of the reasons church makes me cry.  I see the desperate need of those who do not have the hope of healing and transformation in Christ.  It is almost as if the louder and more enthusiastically we sing the more successfully we drown out the despair that is at our door.  How did we get from church as a place of sanctuary for the broken to a bunker for the chosen few? 

So I have begun to rediscover the lost practice of lament.  There is a fantastic Grove Booklet on the subject by Paul Bradbury called ‘Sowing in Tears – How to lament in a church of praise’ (W193).  He says, “Lament makes faith more difficult, more complex and less straightforward, but it makes it more close to the truth of who we are and who God is.”  But what is it? “This is lament, the crying out of ‘How long, Lord?’  We may know the outcome, we may know all that God has done and is doing, but not to cry out, not to lament in the agony of the wait for fulfilment is the equivalent of expecting a mother in labour to stop screaming out in pain and rejoice in the knowledge that her baby will soon be born (p.5).” I never really understood the season of advent.  I just thought it was the countdown to Christmas.  But maybe I have stumbled upon what it is really all about.  In order to fully enter into the joy of the dawn of our salvation at the birth of Christ, we must appreciate and experience the magnitude of what we long for Him to rescue us from and the urgency with which we want this promise of salvation to be fulfilled.  We join with the cry of God’s people through the ages, ‘O come, O come, Emmanuel’.  Do not make us wait any longer!

Remembrance Day

I read an article this week about how missional communities are sure to fail.  It was argued that this was because what sustains and guarantees the focus to reach out is not mission but discipleship.  I would definitely agree with this and when I was in church leadership, I was positively boring on this subject!  This was because I felt there was a subconscious assumption that once a person got baptised, they were saved from damnation and therefore in.  They then needed very little input apart from the Sunday morning lecture to ensure they were being faithful in their Christian walk and fulfilling their obligation to share their faith with others.  My criticism appeared justified when someone from a seeker and addict background got baptised in our church and two weeks later had attempted suicide.  The church did not know how to respond and seemed embarrassed by the whole episode.  But God told me in a dream that He wanted me to care for her and so began a three year journey of discipleship.

Despite my insistence that discipleship is crucial to mission, spiritual maturity and church growth, I did not have a clue where to start!  I remember crying out to God and asking, “what do I do?”  I felt He responded by saying, “show her how you live.”  So I spent a good deal of time in those early days having my friend live with us, on and off, and just listening.  I felt given her vulnerability we should just love and accept her wherever she was at.  I realised early on that my agenda for what she needed to work on was not God’s.  I really tried to keep from forcing an issue particularly if it was something that made me look like I was failing in teaching her to be a good Christian in the eyes of the church!  I found it amazing how God would speak to her and then she would seek my advice, we would pray about it together and then work out a strategy to help her be obedient to what God had said.  I really believe this is a vital ingredient to discipleship.  Christians must be encouraged to be dependent on God for themselves.  It is so easy for an unhealthy co-dependence to be created.  For me the goal of discipleship is the same as that of a parent – to nurture the individual into being who they were created to be with strong kingdom values and healthy practices that will help sustain them on the spiritual journey for the long haul.  Integral to achieving this, I believe, is getting the balance right between allowing freedom while also creating a place of safety.  This balance should not be set in stone but needs to shift as we grow and learn and circumstances change.

It is not easy to walk with another no matter what and I have despaired at times when I have seen old patterns returning and really did wonder whether my hope of transformation and healing could ever be realised for her.  There have been sacrifices too in terms of time, money and emotional energy but God has used this experience to bless, challenge and change me.  I have received so much in terms of the mutual friendship that has developed and so often I am reminded how simple our relationship with God is and yet I let so much get in the way.  How easy it is to appear to be doing right and living well, yet Jesus has become a stranger to us and we do without Him.  How far am I guilty of the rebuke in Revelation 2 verse 2? “I know your deeds, your hard work and your perseverance.  I know that you cannot tolerate wicked men…and have endured hardships for my name and have not grown weary.  Yet I hold this against you: You have forsaken your first love.”  So my prayer this week is that Lord, I might always be motivated by my love for you and an overwhelming thankfulness for all you have done for me and all you are to me.  Please God, never let me forget!

I couldn’t watch the eviction of the travellers from Dale Farm.  I found it too distressing seeing people being forcibly expelled from their homes.  However, it had been pointed out to me on a number of occasions that the point of being a traveller is you keep moving on!  It has got me thinking, could a similar criticism be made of us in the church?

The last thing Jesus said before he ascended into heaven was, “you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem, and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the ends of the earth.” (Acts 1:8)  Jesus was a traveller and he created a travelling community that were sent out to spread the good news of His kingdom come to the whole of creation.  But maybe like the residents of Dale Farm we have forgotten who we are and that our very identity is as those who are sent out.  So I have a plan.  You have probably heard of ‘back to church Sunday’, well I want to launch ‘get out of church Sunday’!  This would involve all those who spend their Sunday mornings worshipping a ‘God who loved the world so much that he gave his one and only Son’ getting out of their church buildings and finding out what normal people do on a Sunday morning.  The purpose is not that they have a day off from delivering a sermon, setting up the PA or looking after the children in the crèche, but they look for opportunities to build relationships with not yet Christians in their community and see where a kingdom agenda might bring benefits to everyone in the locality.

What about taking a stall at a car boot sale where really useful things could be given away.  How about providing hot drinks to parents cheering their children on at the touchline in the park when it’s freezing cold?  Supplying a free delivery service from the garden centre or making available a working party to lend additional muscle at the allotments?  The possibilities are endless and it will be inspiring to see how creative the Body of Christ can get!  I am currently really enjoying teaching a meditation course at the YMCA on a Sunday morning.  It has been brilliant creating an environment where course participants can really share how they’re feeling and being able to make suggestions that might help them overcome some of the issues that they are struggling with.  This week we introduced the idea of a good guide who wants to direct them into the way of love and peace.  I am really praying that God will begin to reveal himself to them as they begin to listen for His voice in their times of meditation.

While I think ‘get out of church Sunday’ is the way forward.  Unfortunately, I don’t think most church leaders will go for it.  It would be like turkeys voting for Christmas!  They’d worry that once outside church, no-one will come back and then who would fill the coffee rota?  Perhaps I do them a disservice and it was only those I was in team with that could not be persuaded of the wisdom of my suggestion.  But if we are convinced about the difference Christ makes to our lives then how can we, alight in Him, allow ourselves to be hidden not under a bowl but in our church buildings?  I do realise that lots of churches do great things in their communities throughout the week and more and more congregations are experimenting with meeting at different times to suit the needs of those they are trying to reach.  But it’s the majority I think need to be willing to sacrifice the sacred cow that is the Sunday morning gathering to demonstrate just how committed they are to see God burst out of the old wine skins so that our generation might be totally transformed one community at a time.  It’s that or I resort to my original plan – chucking grenades! (referring to previous blog)

For more great cartoons like the one above, check out http://asbojesus.wordpress.com/.

If you had to describe hell, where would you start?  A Lake of fire, the stench of sulphur, the wailing and gnashing of teeth?  Hell for me is where I go when I am depressed.  It feels like I am careering down a black hole to oblivion.  The blackness and emptiness sucks out all life, light and hope.  It is a desperate place where God does not exist and creativity is impossible.  It always makes me think of the very beginning of everything recounted in Genesis chapter 1, verse 2, “…the earth was a formless void and darkness covered the face of the deep…” 

People say they don’t believe there is anything after they die.  Is that the hell I just described?  Is it the absence of God and life without even the potential for newness and goodness?  Despite the occasional descent into this pit, a world without God is, in reality, impossible to imagine, even for the most ardent atheist.  The manifestation of His glory and holiness are everywhere!  If “every good gift is from Him” then can we really envision a world without love, beauty, kindness, colour, light and the desire to express the best of who we are through what we conceive and create?

I had a really lovely e-mail a week or so ago and I hope the person who sent it won’t mind me quoting it.  It was from someone who used to be into tarot.  She says of being a volunteer on my outreach team, “Freshers Fayre went nothing like I imagined it!  But it was incredible I am looking forward to seeing what else God is going to do. Thank you for showing me the Jesus Cards.  I am very interested in getting trained…Thank you for showing me that the past I had is very redeemable!  I am so excited for the future.”  I believe that God can take any fear, failure or deliberate act of disobedience and turn it inside out and upside down in order to heal us and work through us to reveal His perfect plan and purpose.  Does that include my depression?  My head says yes, but I would have to admit my heart is not sure!

Yet, this “thorn in my flesh” keeps me humble and dependent on His strength and guidance.  It gives me an insight into the pain of others and helps keep my heart soft.  If it can also motivate me to share the hope of salvation so that oblivion and nothingness might not be the final word in the lives of those who do not yet know Christ, is it really such a curse?  I guess that in itself is an example of the redemption possible with God.  “He works all together for good for those that love Him.” But I don’t believe that God wants me to stay depressed either.  Someone once said you will only be able to help people attain the level of freedom that you yourself have received.  I want total freedom in Christ for those I am in relationship with and for myself!  If God can turn around the betrayal, abuse, torture and murder of his beloved only Son, He can help me become whole and bring inspiration and strength to others through the testimony of my healing! 

In the meantime, as I do the hard work of confronting what causes the spiral downward, I hang on to these words,  “O Lord, you have searched me and you know me.  You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar.  You are familiar with all my ways.  Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O Lord.  Where can I go from your spirit?  Where can I flee your presence?  If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.  If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast” (from Psalm 139).  While I might not feel His presence, the truth is He is always there, He always was and He always will be.